Bahahaha

My chest is hurting. Everytime I swallow or burp it hurts.

I have to be sure to always recognize the line between fantasy and reality. Cause that's the only thing there is anymore. Reality seems so surreal, like a waking dream, and fantasy at times just seems brutally honest. If that line starts to fade then something will happen that I'll one say regret. In the meantime:

I'M IN THE KNIFE BUSINESS BETCH bahahahha

Testing 1,2,3

Everything that's been said and done is pushing me to create something new with what I've got.

And when it's completed, I'll light this world up, and watch it burn.
***

I've got nothing. Don't need anything. Fuck this and fuck confessing.

Broken and abused. Toy'd with and amused.

I'm being fucked with like a fuck toy. Fuck boy you was da sex toy. Now you the fucked toy.

I'm having fun here.

Why you having fun there. Pullin strings. Fucking things.

Up down all turned around. In my bed, in my head. I sit in dread.

Accepting things as they are. Just wanna be stubb-o-rn.

Tell him, tell her, tell 'em all

Be sure an' keep the rubber'n.

How crude can I get? Rude? How bout

10 dudes. In the brood? Nothing but.

Food for thought, food for fun.

Fun for one. In my bed. With my hand.

On your neck.

Grab your gun and pull the trigger. Time to hunt and grab number one-one.

Add his head to da wall. Right up there with them all.

***
Oh man. That was fun. Some of that shits weak but lol ya

Dude

idk. I just feel good right now.

Like things are not bothering me anymore. I'm thinking clearly. Idk, it just feels good right now.


I'm waiting on my mom to come home with jimmy john's for me. and directions to the rental house, so I can finally take a shower.

heya

I was bored today. So I cut and dyed my hair. It's cool I like it.


I'm so bored, the rest of this week is just going to dragggg byyy

Urgh

I'm an ass-hat

Crap

I've got this nervous, guilty feeling in my gut. Like something bad is going on. Something I don't want. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh


I don't like feeling like this. It's like how I feel when I have to present in class.

I just feel so sweaty and out of sorts and confused.

Although the sweaty part could be due to the really warm atmosphere here in the apt.

IDK, I just want it to be Monday night.

I've got an idea. But no plan. For anything really.

Hopefully it'll work. I need it to work. Not because I was afraid to be with out before. But because I know it was a mistake. My mistake that did this.

Ugh. uncomfortable feeling!

bah hum and bug.

I'm glad I get to see Noah Monday night tho. That'll be pretty cool.

Edit: I hate myself because I've basically put myself into solitary confinement. I haven't really talked to any one the past few days. But I want to. I want to talk to people, and talk this thing out with them, to get new perspectives on it. But I can't do that with anybody. And the people I do want to talk to, well they're not there. It really sucks.

So I just sit here and mope about the apartment. I fill out applications. I email people about jobs I've applied to. I eat. I watch tv. I lie down. I read some parts of the novel I'm working through. And I repeat it all. the whole process, two, maybe three times a day.

Sure at night once or twice I'll go out and hang out with Neil. But he's in the same boat as I am, so we have nothing new to say to each other. It's always "so, did you hear from her?" "nope, how bout you?" "nah, the same" "fuck our lives dude" "no joke. Then we sit there, struggling to converse. To connect. To become friends on more then one pathetic level.

But I can't make a respectable argument, or complaint about what I'm feeling. This isn't new territory for anyone. I'm literally in the company of countless others. But yet I feel alone. And that's so fucking cliche I just want to rip my spine out and beat myself into oblivion with it. "waa, I'm all alone. No one knows what it's like" fucking A! shut up! I know people do.

Part of me wants to constantly text her, try and get ahold of her. But that's dumb. That's one of the reasons this all blew up in the first place. So I'm trying to be good about it. I think I'm succeeding. But still I text her more then I feel is appropriate, at least according to the part of me that thinks I should just 'go away' so to speak.

But if I sever all ties with her, won't that put me in the same position I was with Adri...almost a year ago? I don't respond to her, just ignore her. Wouldn't that cause us to drift apart?

I wish I could sleep.

Traveler's Log

Day three in this Unusual yet Familiar territory.

I resorted to killing and eating a cat. Now my stomach is in knots.