Crap

I've got this nervous, guilty feeling in my gut. Like something bad is going on. Something I don't want. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh


I don't like feeling like this. It's like how I feel when I have to present in class.

I just feel so sweaty and out of sorts and confused.

Although the sweaty part could be due to the really warm atmosphere here in the apt.

IDK, I just want it to be Monday night.

I've got an idea. But no plan. For anything really.

Hopefully it'll work. I need it to work. Not because I was afraid to be with out before. But because I know it was a mistake. My mistake that did this.

Ugh. uncomfortable feeling!

bah hum and bug.

I'm glad I get to see Noah Monday night tho. That'll be pretty cool.

Edit: I hate myself because I've basically put myself into solitary confinement. I haven't really talked to any one the past few days. But I want to. I want to talk to people, and talk this thing out with them, to get new perspectives on it. But I can't do that with anybody. And the people I do want to talk to, well they're not there. It really sucks.

So I just sit here and mope about the apartment. I fill out applications. I email people about jobs I've applied to. I eat. I watch tv. I lie down. I read some parts of the novel I'm working through. And I repeat it all. the whole process, two, maybe three times a day.

Sure at night once or twice I'll go out and hang out with Neil. But he's in the same boat as I am, so we have nothing new to say to each other. It's always "so, did you hear from her?" "nope, how bout you?" "nah, the same" "fuck our lives dude" "no joke. Then we sit there, struggling to converse. To connect. To become friends on more then one pathetic level.

But I can't make a respectable argument, or complaint about what I'm feeling. This isn't new territory for anyone. I'm literally in the company of countless others. But yet I feel alone. And that's so fucking cliche I just want to rip my spine out and beat myself into oblivion with it. "waa, I'm all alone. No one knows what it's like" fucking A! shut up! I know people do.

Part of me wants to constantly text her, try and get ahold of her. But that's dumb. That's one of the reasons this all blew up in the first place. So I'm trying to be good about it. I think I'm succeeding. But still I text her more then I feel is appropriate, at least according to the part of me that thinks I should just 'go away' so to speak.

But if I sever all ties with her, won't that put me in the same position I was with Adri...almost a year ago? I don't respond to her, just ignore her. Wouldn't that cause us to drift apart?

I wish I could sleep.