Nerves of Cardboard

Oh man I'm so nervous. I'm the god damned director of my first 100%
legit film school project. I'm not negating the two movies I made
while at LMC. But compared to this, those are nothing.

Can you believe I'm going to be running auditions for actual actors
for an actual short film? Part of me is nervous.

But the majority of me is calm and collected. I know what I need to do
and what my crew needs to do. I'm not worried or panicked. This is all
coming naturally to me.

Which is a relief. I was worried I'd be hacking and dragging myself
through hell and back by taking on this role. I'm so happy that what
I've always wanted to do is so easy for me to learn and do.

But I guess I'm nervous about this coming year. This semester is a
third over. I've gotta buckle down more then before. I'm only really
nervous about my philosophy class at this juncture in time. It's alot
of archaic information that is unfortunately the foundations for
continued learnings in the field. I hope I can organize and sort this
information out before our finals, or hell even our next paper.

Then after this semester, I am still unsure as to what is going on. I
need a place to live, that's for sure. Philorie is moving into a
housing co-op with their friends in downtown ypsi. I'm looking at just
subleasing this apartment from them. Which is alot harder to do then
say, realizing I'm still broke and jobless.

I know I need to buckle down and find work. It's just scary and hard.
I have yet to find a reliable place here in aa/ypsi to apply. Alot of
the potentials I have fall through, or disappear entirely. I feel as
if I'm going to have to start looking at cities outside of this so
called "comfort zone" of mine. Or just get a job at McDonald's across
the street.

Kayla is supposed to be moving back up here in the late spring to
finish out her lease with her roommates. But when I aske her about
this back in January I think, she was unsure. I know she wants to move
back out here. She and I are talking about subleasing this apartment
from Philorie as I mentioned earlier.

I'm sure some of you will exclaim: "BUT ITS SUCH A BIG STEP YOU BOTH
ARE SOOOOO YOUNGGGGG" and well ya, duh. It's a big step. But I'm
comfortable with Kayla. I can see myself living with her. Which is
something I could have never pictured doing with any other girl I've
been with. Probably cause they were all in high school at the time I
was with them. But I understand it's a big step.

But it makes sense. She's wanting to stay in the area, after her lease
is up with her other roomies. And I want to stay in the area too, so I
can get my associates then transfer. It be silly, and costly for us to
get two separate apartments. I just need people to understand that we
wouldn't be "playing house".

I think Kayla said she wanted to go to travel agent school up here.
Which is pretty cool.

I should go to bed, try and sleep you know? But I'm wide awake and
full of energy.